Menopause Gardening is not for wimps


Not a subject many women want to talk about so of course I approach it freely. Menopause gardening is not for wimps. If you are already on fire, going out to sweat most assuredly is a less than pleasant thought. Women who experience hot flashes, emotional chaos, bouts of fits, and frequent jaunts of nakedness…are challenged by hot weather and bugs.

The other day I was cooking on the stove when it occurred to me that my grand dog might like a treat. Soon as I turned around to get one…I forgot what I was doing. When I turned back around to the stove, I forgot what I was cooking, and when I turned away from the stove, the dog barked at me.

If this episode of brain cell death happens while you are applying fertilizer, then heaven help the plants. Or suppose you get distracted and leave a 6 pack of flowers alone and abandoned in the frying sun. Money doesn’t grow on trees and this can get expensive.

One of my suggestions to you all suffering menopause sickness is to learn new curse words. If you haven’t been accustomed to using them now is the time to start. They don’t have to be ugly and unacceptable. They can be something like…’grommet headed toad lips’ and it can be applied to anything. So instead of saying, ‘expletive’ you no good lilly livered sap sucking aphid…get off my plant. Say instead, Good ‘grommet headed toad lips’ almighty…I’m gonna smash that aphid on a sharp rock and send his guts to Argentina.

During menopause gardening, it’s therapeutic to have the hose placed close by. If you see a neighbor coming and it’s hot flash happening time…then grab the hose and make it look like you are fighting it. Get in a real brawl with it and make sure water goes everywhere. When the neighbor approaches, shew relief that you only got just a little bit wet.

Plants can some times be down right aggravating. In that case, you have an opportunity to vent and show your snarky side. Menopausal women practice snark face attitude and it makes us feel better when we can use it for a good purpose. Study the dysfunctional attitude of the plant and apply the rod of discipline. Wack off the offending body part. Normal people call it pruning or trimming. Menopausal women call it amputation. We don’t take garden pruners to the garden…we take kitchen knives.

You’ll need to dress appropriately for the task. Wear nothing at all or your mate’s favorite exercise shorts. Dress loosely and most importantly…make it comfortable. Get a boat load of bobby pins and force your hair up and off your face. Carry a soft washcloth to wipe the constant bead of sweat off your lip. Drink lots of water. It helps to take some Ibuprofen before you start. Take a antihistamine. They do help menopause symptoms. No one knows why but they do work.

Don’t get overheated but take lots of breaks. Preplan and have a nice lawn chair close by so you can sit and sip a nice cool drink and admire you work.

Hot flashes in the garden are more bearable than having one while at the movies. So garden during this challenging time and put that sweat to good use.


18 Comments Add yours

  1. Thanks for helping us feel normal while making us laugh, too!


  2. gardenjoy4me says:

    Anna girl this is exactly what I have been going through for a few years .. I find having the hose near by .. flooding my feet with cold water .. well it HELPS ! .. plus there are these drinks called G2 by the Gateraid ? company .. only 20 calories but with the right combination of salt/sugar to help out dehydrated menopausal women (electrolyte drink)
    It gets hot in Canada too EH !!
    Joy : )


  3. Tammie says:

    I especially can relate to the curse word part……I am very vocal in my gardens!
    I am hoping the weeds will take offense and leave. If we had neighbors they would think that I was some sort of lunatic. I love your way with words. πŸ™‚


  4. Melissa says:

    Still laughing!!


  5. Donna C. says:

    I can sure relate to this blog. Here in Kansas we had 50 plus 100 degree days last summer. That kind of heat and being menopausal really puts a damper on gardening.


    1. Donna…never ever give up gardening even if we burst in to flames…now repeat after me….


  6. Oh Anna that is so right girl. The best part is the garden hose. I do feel like doing that at times. Reckon what my mom would do if I get the hose out and hose myself down when I am doing her garden this weekend.


    1. Becca…It is so embarrassing to be drenching wet and everyone around you is bone dry. I give you permission to drench down.


  7. Anita Vick says:

    Anna, so glad that Flower Garden Girl is back!!!


    1. Anita…sweet hugs to you and thank you so much. I’ve come and gone for the past three years not really knowing exactly what to do. Maybe menopause was a good part of the hysteria.


  8. Great! Hold on I smell something burning…


    1. hahahaha…One Woman Garden Club…..I have burned stuff, let it dry up, and not found it for days. Menopause is temporary insanity.


  9. joey says:

    Anna, this is classic … lots of ‘hot’ tips … love it!


    1. are too funny…’hot’ tips. I use to think I was a cool chick but then 50 came along and I became a hot chick.


      1. joey says:

        Trust me, Anna … your ‘hot chick’ phase is only beginning … πŸ™‚


  10. gagarden says:

    Really funny post, Anna. The neighbors should beware and stay safely inside their homes. Knife wielding is a serious crime, I hear.


    1. It is funny greenapplesgarden and seeing the humor in menopause is key to living through it. I think I’m about done after 10 years of it. So now I figure I’m an expert. Every day was either sweat to death or lose my mind not remembering where I was going or what I was going there for…lol.


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