Diets and Bugs

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Family 2The picture above shows a happy family where no one suffers from bug bites and no one has a toothache. It was taken at our old house many years ago when the boys were still little;) and we lovingly refer to it as the Griswalks family Christmas portrait. But today–all is not well…………

I’m eating/drinking breakfast and it’s 3am. I’m on a diet. I’ve been on a diet now for a week and I’m getting a bit slap happy. My arms feel like limp rags from all the weighted exercises and my stomach muscles are slowly returning from a comatose state.

I’m drinking my Slimfast shake at 3am cause I’m getting ready to go to bed and my half eaten deli sandwich from 7pm earlier won’t make it a few more hours. How come I only got a few bites of my sandwich—well….While we were eating at –Chick A Burgers—- for supper, MrD bit down on something in his sandwich that turned him in to a helpless 2 year old.

His eyes watered up, he went completely white, and he looked like a deer in the head lights. I looked at his sandwich and immediately starting dissecting it. I didn’t find anything but we had to leave quickly and get him home. I tried to call his dentist but he insist on going later today and not causing so much fuss.

So he came home and got drugged up on what pain killers we had and then zombied out on the couch. I got on the computer and googled dangerous side affects for the spouse of someone with a toothache. I was in grave danger so I sat real still and willed the house to stay calm. Once he went to bed, I started some laundry and now I’m telling you about the whole deal. I can type without aggravating him.

In the middle of his laying on the couch episode, I had a near death experience with something that flew out of the corner of my bad eye and right down my shirt. Lord help–I had to battle that thing under subdued circustances. You know I can’t see too well out my left eye and this thing must have known cause that is surely where he chose to ascend from. For all I knew it could have been a thirsty blood seeking bat. In my mind it was as big as a horse. We do have a problem around here with bats the size of horses and they do fly down people’s shirts. Reports of it every night on the news.

Normally I’d tear my clothes off and run naked to the nearest shower but MrD was in no mood for vibrations. So I calmly tiptoed out of the room and once out of sight—shed my clothes to discover a spider was crawling across my slightly overweight upper private area. This meant undergarments had to come off too.

I think it bit me! It had 4 legs on one side so seems it was an arachnid!  I smashed that spider in to more parts than it was born with. It was D.E. A. D.! It must have died hungry cause there aren’t enough calories in me to sustain us both. Anyway I got a little red bump between the two other bumps and I’m hoping that doesn’t make me a freak of nature in the morning.

I would hate to faint in the dentist office with MrD under the knife and me with abnormal markings and all. You can understand can’t you? So I have waited up to make sure that spider bite has not pumped venom from that spot located close to my heart where he gnawed a hole the size of Texas. I’m also not fond of losing a major female attribute. I’ve heard of those who have lost limbs due to some strange insect bite.

I bet that spider was thinking that his day went from bad to worse. First he’s feeding from some malnourished victim and then he dies. He never even got a chance to sell his AIG stock before the government paid bonuses to the top 100 salesmen.

So I’m going to put my tired worried self to bed and ya’ll live on tomorrow knowing I’ll be ok. Can’t say the same for MrD. He’s got to see the dentist.

17 Comments Add yours

  1. James says:

    Missed this earlier in the month: very funny, anna. Hope the tooth thing sorted itself out – sod’s law says that Toothache only ever happens at the weekend.
    You like to read my personal stories–I suppose that is cause you know everything there is to know about plants. Well I’m so glad to see you touring my blog and getting to know me better. I’m honored and it’s very fun to read your comments.

    MrD’s tooth is capped now but he’s being a real wimp about putting any pressure to that area. He’s really building up the jaw muscles on the good side.

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  2. Suzanne says:

    OMG! I would have screamed out loud and awoken him! I probably would have thought “BAT”, too! Funny story. Hope all is well now. I’m new to your blog, and have only read just a bit, thus far. I’ll be visiting more often, i hope.
    Best,
    Suzanne (you know me as suziemaus) 😉
    Well hey Suzanne..so good to have you stop by. MrD as I call him—is doing ok. He’s got a cap on his tooth and you know that feels like you got a boulder in your mouth. So I listen to him moan and complain but he keeps making the house payment so I’ll keep him.

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  3. blueskyhi says:

    We have a spider in Western Australia called the white tip or white tailed spider that likes to live in linen and clothing. It is only very small but has a shocking bite. 30% of the population will have a serious side effect in which the bite area will alcerate and slowly rot away so surgery to remove the affected flesh is necessary. The other 70% will have to be treated with a short course of anti-biotics. Australia is so beautiful that it can barely be compared to another country, however, it does have an absurd number of deadly and dangerous creatures.
    You got my attention for sure! I have noticed in a lot of my photos lately that tiny little insects and spiders appear where my naked eye did not see them. I should be more careful reaching in to remove spent blooms–and certainly before I put my shoes on.

    Such an interesting story and thanks for sharing.

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  4. LindaLunda says:

    LOL!!! Poor you!! And poooooor mr. spider…
    This post is hilarious though I think that you did not laughed when al this happened!!!!
    Linda

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  5. Lola says:

    ROFLOL. You are too funny girl. Can’t stop laughing.
    I do hope hubby will be ok. Hope nothing serious happened.
    Do be careful about the bite. I got it while asleep, now I have a hole in my cheek. Double antibiotics. Some strong stuff. Ggs was sleeping with me. If anyone had to be bit I’m glad it wasn’t him. Babies can’t always tell you what is what.
    I got the extra genes from my mom’s side. Hard to deal with. But, hey, I’m not out there trying to snag a feller. lol I am loosing a bit as I’m only eating very small in the A.M. then sub mid afternoon. slow but I heard that is best.
    Good luck.

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  6. Betty says:

    Anna, I was under the impression that all Cleome reseeds themselves. Shucks! Somebody sent me some seed last year and I forgot about them until a few weeks ago and see they are finally coming up. Hope they are the reseeding type! Think they are so pretty.
    You’re lucky, a brown spider bit my best friend once and her husband had to rush her to hospital ER and they pulled a code blue on her in ER..thus she carries a kit with her all the time for such occassions. Scary!

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  7. Gail Morris says:

    Anna, hope you are okay. I had to take steroids one time because of a bug bite on my leg! Hope your hubby is ok, too!! Gail
    Hey Gail, did you see us sitting out tonight? MrD can’t see the dentist till Monday. Well he did say he’d come in for hubby but G is so nice that he didn’t want the dr to bother. I said—BOTHER! So far G is ok on soup and soft foods for now. I don’t know what he’ll be like when he gets hungry.

    I’m watching the spider bite for sure!

    I still want to post your England pics, hear about your Mast Farm Inn story ;), and get together with you. How can we live two doors apart and chat only on my blog or email. Funny isn’t it.

    Hey—Mary C said you were the nicest person. Her and hubby fed us a grand picnic meal in Bethabara. We watched a military band perform and really enjoyed the evening. Mary is the funniest person and I could listen to her for hours.

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  8. LOL!!!!! I am laughing with you, not at you! What a day!!!!!! Diets are the worst! UGH!!!! I hope your hubby can get that tooth dealt with! Tooth aches are 2nd worst! I DESPISE spiders! We had these HUGE wood spiders in our house when we first moves in, they were the size of half dollars. One night as I was about to go to sleep I felt something walk up my arm to my shoudlers! Of course I went into hysteria mode and nearly had a heart attack. I grabbed it off my shouder (it was a hand full) and flung it off! I jumped up, turned the light on, and there is was staring at me! It was awful! My husband was about to get into bed, as I was jumping out. I ran into the bathroom, and I couldn’t decide whether to throw up or take a shower!!! He laughed and laughed and thought it was hilarious! He kept talking about how huge it was! Yeh I know how big it was, it was on MY shoulder! He smashed it ON THE SHEETS!!!!!! Which grossed me out MORE! So then I made him change the sheets and wash them…MEN!!! He woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and when he came back to bed I saw him pull back the covers, and use the light from his cell phone to scan the sheets!!! LOL!!!!!
    No way I would ever be the same again if a spider that size shared my space.

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  9. Hilarious…you are the southern Erma Bombeck. A great and welcome contrast to my life! You are so funny, girl. Hope everyone gets put back together.
    Now Erma was a funny lady for certain. I’m not back together yet but am hoping for a fool 😉 recovery. MrD on the other hand is still sickly and pitiful. He’ll see the dentist on Monday unless I kill him first.

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  10. Jen says:

    I hate to laugh at another’s misfortune, but couldn’t help myself. But now I’m a little worried about you, girl. The Benadryl gel might help. I use it for lots of my bites. Hope the hubby’s toothache isn’t serious. I took my first pilates class this past week. Not too much soreness, but I do have a crick in my neck.
    It’s funny to me now that it is over. Oh man–Pilates is torture. I bought the dvd workout and got through two sessions. All that rolling with crossed legs made me want to barf. When I came to my senses and got untangled, I sat right down and wrote my will. If I had to do that to lose weight then life was going to be short.

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  11. Betty says:

    I know it wasn’t funny when all these things were happening to you all but it funny the way you told it. Throw out the Slimfast and do a sensible diet like WW. Let us know how Mr. D makes out at dentist and what caused his pain. Keep smiling!
    I tried WW once and wore out three pencils writing down what went with what and how it all added up. Slimfast is easy and I don’t get hungry on that stuff. Maybe the key ingredient is Elmers. Sorta looks like it is. I like chocolate Elmers the best.

    I mostly eat sensible but inherited a fat gene that is stubborn as all get out. I saw a special on tv the other night that showed a poor skinny fellow who was planning on living to 100 by never eating fats again. The report showed a healthy monkey who had the same diet and was living strong. But I say—if me and skinny had to fast—I’d win. Skinny better hope I brought snacks if we get stranded somewhere about the time his organic broccoli wears off. He better hope I brought Elmers.

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  12. Darla says:

    I think your sugar might be low, LOL. Sorry about the Mr. D’s tooth. Toothaches will make your toe nails curl they hurt so bad. Keep an eye on the bite. I was bitten by a spider and it required antibiotics after a weekend in the bed with a high fever…..Prayers to you!!
    Thank you and I’ll let MrD know that I’m probably going to need a week in bed with servants and all. My sugar is low tonight and I can’t think of nothing that quiet my growls. Carrots smothered in Worcestershire sauce sounds good right now.

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  13. Randy says:

    You know what, I’ve had to come to the realization I’m just fat. Not bad, but at least 30 pounds over weight. I am 42 years old and I will never look like it did in my 20’s again. I refuse to starve myself to fit into the little mold of what society considers to be the norm. I feel for Mr. D, the only time I’ve ever broken a tooth was biting into a hamburger. There was a tiny piece of bone in it and it was a painful experience. I hope you awake to find all your body parts intact. Go see a doctor if you fell like you are running a fever. 🙂
    I’m not running a fever but there is this house fly that is starting to look appealing and those extra 8 legs I grew overnight are a bit cumbersome.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that hamburgers are dangerous. I’m going to limit myself to 3 a week.

    I love your comment about being fat—Here Here! My mom and dad–brothers too–were pleasantly fat/chubby. I thought everyone was that way. I married skinny and my kids are perfect of course. I really thought that after I got MrD married then I could feed him and he’d get a healthy glow. Darn it!, turns out he has a hollow leg.

    But me—I struggle every day. I love food and especially sweets. But I seem to be extremely healthy except for spider bites. I can ride my bike and garden all day long. I must have had a grandmother somewhere who carved a living off the land and pioneered her way through no man’s land. She’s one of those hefty characters you see in museums carrying a baby, one on her back, and has the oxen by the yoke.

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  14. Love your writing style and account of your hubby’s? misfortune as well as the attack of the killer spider. Your wit and humor are very refreshing.

    BTW … beautiful blog!

    ‘rum
    Thanks for stoppin by and what an honor! Yes, MrD is my hubby bless his heart. He married a little bitty teenage girl not more than 115lbs. He’s blessed now with a middle aged woman who bore his kids and can whip anyone who tries to hurt him.

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  15. Janet says:

    Oh Anna, my goodness. Bug bites are nothing to mess around with!! Keep an eye on it – please. Hope the dentist visit goes well today and it is not too much of an ordeal.
    Slimfast?? Really? that stuff tastes like chalk. In a moment of weakness I tried one, yuck!! Couldn’t finish it and never had more.
    I’ve got a crik in my neck from looking down at it all day. No changes but I’ve developed octagonal vision and spun several webs today. You might be a spider if………..

    I can’t see you drinking a slimfast for sure. You are more the gourmet southern cuisine. Your diet food comes on a bed of lettuce. It does taste a bit like chalk and Elmers but I don’t get hungry till right about now when I could eat a mess of paper towels smothered in catsup if I had to. Fiber and all you know with that hint of sweetness. Everything taste good smothered in catsup.

    MrD is going to the dentist on Monday unless I can’t stand him earlier.

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  16. Peggy says:

    Hi Anna, you are feeling the after effects of food deprivation, Dieting does funny things to your head! A couple of hours sleep and you will bounce back up.You can really tell a good story,hope Mr D is feeling better ,man toothache is much worse than man flu!
    He’s sleeping soundly at the moment but won’t be able to get in to the dentist till Monday. I’ve been feeding him potato soup and tea. I figure if he’s worried about going to the bathroom all day then he’ll not be worried about his tooth.

    I did make him put oil of oregano on his gums in that area. He said it felt like he was eating spaghetti smothered in gasoline with a hint of habanero peppers. I said yes but infection won’t set in. He said he’d be dead first

    I am hungry and wondering what is in the fridge that will carry me over the next few hours. Could be I eat a raw potato or green bean. I love raw green beans.

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  17. myenglishcountrygarden says:

    OH my goodness! LOL What a tale of woe! Darling, your tale is so funny-but you sound sleep and food deprived….Go and have some tea and some biscuits.

    Good luck with that tooth( and no, I hate to disabuse you, but we are the Griswold family incarnate-we even sing Mocking Bird in the car !)
    You haven’t seen my house at Christmas and my jello salad is chock full of sugar free kitty nibbles. I nearly had a toad when Chevy Chase drove his car off the road and through the field to the Christmas tree farm. I never ever get tired of his movies. And grandma tied to the roof with the dog tied to the bumper is priceless

    Biscuits sounds good tonight—week one, hour 2, minute 7 of the diet.

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