God, this is a cultivar

Souls in heaven but what about the soil?

God, I know I’ll meet good souls in heaven but what about the soil? Let’s talk about this and what it means to me your faithful garden servant here on earth.

Did you know we talk about worm castings here on earth? One of the ugliest most unappreciated creatures on the planet and we go ape over its excretions. I bet that humors you to no end—–well maybe you are infinite— so it still keeps you knee slapping.

And we appreciate cultivars—- and that all knowledge comes from above–cause then we don’t have to use as many pesticides–they are strong–since they are super plants and all. But when we get to heaven–could you have waiting for us, all those species we killed off while in our care? We won’t need the cultivars then….but don’t take them away yet–we still need them.

God you promised me a mansion but there was no mention of good soil–just good souls. I won’t have to amend the soil will I? I’m pretty tired of amending my soul and this soil. Both are exhausting. I want heaven to have perfect soil and I want to plant up all sorts of combinations. I want there to be endless combinations. Can I bee ( meant to be play on words ) the head garden keeper? Has anyone ask you that? Adam was assigned but he flubbed it.

Do you like my garden blog God? If so….could you multiply my efforts and send so many people here to applaud my efforts. Just because you created me to post all these photos and talk about plants endlessly and it seems fitting they would want to see what you’ve done with my life?..ok? and I want a fiat…and an old old old truck.

God? are you there? I see you in my garden. I see you in every intricate detail of the plants. I see you in the order of life. I see you up close and personal…but do you see my blog? If you do….let me know that there is good soil in heaven.

I love you God.

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Worms on Junk Food

mononchidae_eating_a_mononchidae_1This is a monochidae eating a monochidae . Thanks to Wikipedia for capturing this brutal moment. Will they stop at nothing?

How do you tell the difference between healthy earthworms and those on junk food?

The worms eating potato chips, pressure treated wood, fries, vinegar, and consuming large amounts of alcohol will be dead. That’s how you know they aren’t healthy. You’ll most likely find these worms at construction sites, outside bars, eating at McDonalds, and everywhere you find large amounts of vinegar. It’s not always the worm’s fault. Some have to work in this environment.

What is healthy for a worm? If a worm eats a shredded $20 bill will his castings be worth more? Can they eat a $20 bill?

Paper money is made of 25% linen and 75% cotton. Both are biodegradable and organic which is the food source for worms. Worms will eat parts of decomposing animals but it’s not their preferred food source.  Earthworms don’t know the difference between a $20 bill and Monopoly money. Sorry. And you shouldn’t add too much money as it has additives and oils from your fingers that might not be too healthy for their digestive system. The digestive system makes up most of their body and there is nothing worse than a constipated worm.

You can try and tell your plants that you are feeding them some expensive organics to make them happy. If you lie to your plants too much they’ll stop believing you. Did you know that worms in your garden soil give your plants antibiotics and natural insecticides? They produce these chemicals as part of their daily routine while watching TV and knitting. Plants that absorb the nutrients in the soil will also uptake the byproducts of the worms thus helping them to resist pest and disease. The plants may also develop a certain preference for the same favored TV shows as the worms watch. That’s not proven but it is logical.

At 3 months old, worms are adults and ready to produce about 3 cocoons a week assuming a bird didn’t eat them first. Did you know that birds eat worms mostly in the Spring? The baby birds need protein. Once the chicks are raised, the birds prefer grains and seeds for the carbohydrate levels. If I was a worm, I’d wait till Autumn to cross the road.

The worm cocoons take 11 weeks to hatch out 3 more little worms. Healthy worms have both male and female parts so they don’t need a partner. They are also very kind and loving with their 5 hearts.

Worms eat dirt as they absorb food. They need the gritty granules to help break apart the food. They have gizzard where the food is broken down to useful parts.  That’s why you see a little dirt pellet trail in the garden. They are thrilled you noticed.

Worms don’t drown in water as long as oxygen molecules exist there. The reason you see them come to the service during rain is so they can travel more easily. They can’t travel when the sun is out or they will die in minutes and you’ll be facing a lawsuit. They’ll sue you cause there was no warning that worm frying conditions might be present when the clouds go away.

The phone book has several Nematode Lawyers should you need one or should the worms need legal advice. The things you don’t know could bring financial doom. Worms are notorious for taking these cases all the way to the Supreme Court–and winning.

So see–we all knew it was good to have worms in the garden and knew to be careful about their environment. Kill the worms and you take away natural antibiotics and pest repellants.